The spectators quiet down as an announcement is heard through the Public Address system, “Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight’s special guest mistress of ceremonies is former First Lady and now Senator from our great State of New York, the Honorable Hillary Rodhaaaaam Clinton!”

Walking out toward the arena came the impressive political celebrity. She was accompanied by two New York state troopers and a couple of butch looking women (apparently Secret Service agents). Senator Clinton was wearing a powder blue suit, white blouse and a red and navy blue scarf-cum-ascot. The high-powered blonde with her regal bearing, seemed to be sporting another of her frequently new hairdos. As is the case whenever a politician of either party appears at a sporting event, she was greeted with many more boo’s than cheers. But none of it fazed her and she projected a dazzling smile as she waved to the crowd, entered the ring, took the microphone and addressed the crowd.

“I am very pleased to be here tonight. As you know, I have always been a strong supporter of women in sports, and what could better display the physical and competitive capacities of women today than this tournament we have all been enjoying. I know you value the rights of women to participate in sports, or you would not be here. And you know that I value those rights, or I would not be here.”

“But does the current administration value women in sports? I have expressed deep concerns with the Department of Education's new Title IX policy guidance. This guidance appears to be nothing short of an under-the-radar effort to reduce athletic opportunities for women and girls, and to undermine their right to equal treatment.”

The crowd begins to grow restless, fearing they’re about to hear a boring political speech.

“Since Title IX became law in 1972, participation by girls in high school sports has increased by 800 percent; participation by young women in college athletics has increased by 400 percent. Quite simply, Title IX works -- it has provided interested girls and women many more opportunities to participate in athletics. In the face of this unqualified success, I am deeply concerned that we will see all of this progress begin to erode if this Administration’s policies are permitted to stand.”

Boos and catcalls begin erupting, causing the secret service men to eye the crowd nervously. It’s not so much that the crowd disagrees with anything the Senator is saying, but they came to see a FIGHT, goddammit! Still, the good Senator continues undeterred.

“As a result of this Administration’s policies, how many millions of girls will miss out on the exhilaration of winning, the life lessons of losing with dignity, the discipline instilled by rigorous training, and the confidence that can be gained from being a respected teammate? The value of these experiences cannot be quantified, and they last a lifetime.”

At this point an attractive blonde slips into the ring and rises to confront the Senator…Heather Locklear! The actress is a regular attendee at these tournament matches and one of the few admittedly Republican celebrities in Hollywood. She confronts Mrs. Clinton and angrily scolds her, “We didn’t come here to be fucking LECTURED; either get on with the introductions or get out of the ring and let ME do them!”

The crowd explodes into loud cheers of support. The Senator’s face blushes hot with anger and embarrassment. Heather, feeling empowered by the crowd’s cheers, then impetuously goes on to say, “Or do I have to throw you out of the ring myself!”

Hillary sees red and moves threateningly toward the blond actress but Hillary’s Secret Service detail and the NY State Troopers quickly move to separate the two. Many of the fans in the crowd are doing quick mental calculations…“Hillary’s about three inches taller and clearly outweighs Heather. Still, Heather’s a good 14 years younger. Hmmmmm…” The rest of the crowd could care less about statistics and simply chants, “Let them fight! Let them fight!”

But there will be no fight between these two - at least not tonight! Heather is forcibly removed from the ring, and is escorted toward the Garden’s exits. When the attractive blonde realizes she is going to miss the fight she begins to resist the guiding hands of her police escort, and she ends up literally being dragged out kicking and screaming. “I have a ticket!” Heather yells. “I have my rights! I’ll sue her! I’ll sue her, I tell you…”

Hillary straightens her clothes and brushes back her hair, managing to smile as she says, “Typical Republican reaction…resorting to violent threats rather than using their brainpower, although that’s clearly a rare commodity in their party these days.” That produces a few snickers but allows her a face-saving transition to get back to the business at hand.

“Now, introducing tonight’s competitors. First, this beautiful blonde actress was born in Kinston, North Carolina, and now resides in Las Vegas, Nevada, she stands 5’ 5” tall and weighs 118 pounds, with measurements of 35-24-36, please welcome JAIME “The Carolina Hellcat” PRESSLY!”

Marilyn Manson's 'Beautiful People' is heard from the sound system and soon the sultry blonde vixen is seen strutting toward the ring, looking sizzling hot as usual, clad in a tiny bright yellow bikini top and matching yellow thong below. Her body looks as fit and toned as ever. She carries herself with the confident authority of a powerful amazon even though her actual physical size would not seem to justify such cockiness. The crowd cheered wildly for her. The crowd’s affections might seem strange given that Jaime is possibly the cruelest and most sadistic fighter in the tournament. But after all, this was New York and she was the American in the fight. Plus her popularity is at an all-time high arising from her role in the new hit comedy TV series “My Name is Earl.” But such is Jaime’s personality that the cheering meant nothing to her, and actually irritated her a bit – she preferred to hear boo’s and catcalls from her audiences.

The Senator resumes, “And introducing her opponent. Another beautiful blonde, she is 5’ 11” tall and weighs in at 139 pounds, with measurements of 36C-25-37, from Skelleftea, Sweden, VICTORIA “the Viking Queen” SILVSTEDT!”

The stirring strains of Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” resound through the Garden as the spotlights reveal the statuesque form of the sexy Swede emerging into the stadium. The former Playboy Playmate of the Year is dressed in silky lingerie, a two-piece black lace teddy. The top part of the two-piece outfit is extremely low cut and provides an outstanding view of her large c-cup breasts, which threaten to overflow their tight confines. The teddy’s bottom is more like a tiny black thong with a lace fringe. Walking behind Victoria is her Playmate pal Anna Nicole Smith.

Jaime and Victoria are now both standing in the ring hearing the referee’s instructions. As the audience appraises them, they see a study of similarities and contrasts. There is no significant age difference – Pressly is only three years younger. Both are blonde, both are (or were, not that long ago) Olympic caliber athletes, Pressly as a gymnast and Victoria as a snow-skier. And both are frequently seen as covergirls on the “laddie” magazines

But their size and body types and styles are quite different. Jaime is mean, lean and lethal – very little body fat, wiry, pound-for-pound quite strong for her size, skilled, sadistic, and durable - a high-flying acrobat in the ring who can also grapple down on the mat with good technique. And she can be a bad-ass brawler capable of throwing an explosive punch. Victoria is big and strong, crushing and overpowering her opponents with brute force – but she combines that power with skill, as she is a talented wrestler and boxer, and can catfight with the best of them. And she can take a big beating but still come back strong – she’s hard to put down for good. It’s Jaime the jungle jaguar versus Victoria the Siberian white tiger. And like such wild animal predators, each woman will mercilessly destroy an opponent without a twinge of pity.

They have also experienced quite different paths in the tournament to get to this semi-final. Victoria barely survived the first round against a very tough Sharon Stone, then she was in a touch-and-go match against Shannon Elizabeth that she easily could have lost, and finally it was a “clash of the titans” match against big, bad Anna Falchi that once again took Victoria to the limit before she pulled it out for a win and a trip here.

In contrast to that, it’s been a cakewalk for Jaime. She completely crushed the willowy Faith Hill in a brutal and cruelly humiliating slaughter – it was totally one-sided, the country singer never got a single lick in and ended up in the hospital. Maybe you could explain that away as Faith being a weak patsy. Except then Jaime went on to defeat a tough and well-regarded Neve Campbell with surprising ease. Here, too, Neve never laid a glove on Jaime as the blonde dominated from beginning to end. It wasn’t until she met Charlize Theron that Jaime ran into some resistance. For a while Charlize was able to take the fight to Jaime, but for the most part Jaime dominated the match, the outcome of which was never really in doubt.

The referee explains the rules of this semi-final match to the two women, with a microphone on as she does, so all the audience can listen along. “This match is a best out of three falls match. One of the falls has to be by knockout and the other by submission; and they can occur in either order. Pins do not count.”

Having completed her instructions, the bell rings to begin the match. The two competitors emerge from their corners: Victoria standing tall and thrusting her big chest out in intimidating fashion, Jaime in a crouch and coiled like a steel spring.

Suddenly Jaime leaps up toward Victoria, places her hands on the blonde’s head as though she were going to leapfrog over her, but instead lands with her legs on top of the Swede’s shoulders, with Victoria’s head wedged between Jaime’s thighs. Jaime leans her weight into the big blonde and Vicky collapses backward onto the mat. Jaime absorbs the fall by sitting on Victoria’s chest for the ride down. As soon as they land, Jaime’s knees pin down to the mat the shoulders of the surprised and winded Victoria and in a deliberate manner the smaller blonde slaps the mat three times, “One-two-three.”

Jaime laughs, and tells Victoria mockingly, “Just think, if pinfalls were allowed I would have just won this match in ten seconds – remember that! In a little while you’ll be wishing this match HAD ended for you so quickly and painlessly.”

With a surge of power an embarrassed Victoria angrily throws the lighter woman off of her, sending her flying. As the Swede quickly jumps to her feet she says with malice, “I was going to be merciful and crush you out quickly, but now I’m going to draw out your punishment.”

“Hah! The usual empty threats,” replies Jaime with icy assurance. “Just bring it on, bitch!”

The lithe blonde sways back and forth, arms held out to her sides.

Victoria suddenly springs forward with surprising speed for a woman her size and catches Jaime off guard, getting the American spitfire in a front headlock and immediately the sexy Swede begins to pound big muscular thigh lifts into the midriff of the bent-over blonde. Victoria’s knees and thighs impact Jaime with such force that with each blow the smaller woman is brought up off her feet. After five knee-lifts, Victoria swiftly falls to her back DDT-ing Jaime’s skull hard into the mat.

Jaime is dazed and lies on the mat stomach down, only semi-conscious as a result of the powerful DDT. Victoria reaches down and grabs the back of Jaime’s bikini bottom in one hand, and the back of her bikini top in the other and uses them to hoist the smaller blonde off of the mat. She then throws Jaime bodily into the ring corner, slamming her into the turnbuckle face first, her back to Victoria. Then Victoria – borrowing a page from Jaime the aerialist - takes a running leap and slams a two-legged flying drop kick into Jaime’s lower back and kidneys. Jaime’s body is violently smashed into the turnbuckle and her face can be seen to turn white as a sheet as if something important inside of her has been busted.

Victoria rushes up to her and places the American in a full-nelson, bending Jaime’s head way down as the younger blonde’s arms are thrust harmlessly up. The voluptuous Playmate drags the actress out into the middle of the ring by the full-nelson, then begins to hammer big knee lifts into Jaime’s back, each one smashing Jaime’s lean body right off the mat. Jaime can be seen to be grimacing, fighting back the intense pain she is feeling. After six such knee lifts, Victoria – still holding the full nelson - jumps up and drops to her knees slamming Jaime’s body back-down onto the canvas. The smaller blonde has all the air knocked out of her.

The tall Swede reaches down and grabs Jaime under the armpits and easily hoists her to her feet. In her most recent previous match, Victoria was grappling with 154 pound Anna Falchi – and compared to the effort of tossing Anna around, Jaime seemed light as a feather. Victoria raised Jaime high up off the mat by her armpits, Jaime’s feet dangling in the air. Then Victoria bent her legs and thrust her arms powerfully upward, releasing Jaime and throwing the smaller woman’s body straight up into the air. Then as Jaime’s descending head came back down into range Victoria landed a perfectly timed haymaker right into the poor girl’s jaw that sent her body flying like a ragdoll’s right into the ropes and then Jaime bounced back off and flopped face first onto the mat, out cold.

Victoria went towards her to dish out more punishment but the referee’s count was already underway and on reaching ten, he called an end to the first fall: Victoria the winner by knockout. The big blonde beauty stomped her foot angrily, cursing herself for causing the fall to end so early – she really had wanted to draw it out more.

“Well, there’s still the second fall,” she thought.

There were a few cheers for Victoria and a few boo’s, but mostly stunned silence emanated from the crowd. No one had ever seen Jaime Pressly so thoroughly and completely dominated.

Victoria went to her corner and sat on a small stool that was produced. She barely had a hair out of place, and had hardly worked up a sweat. Her gal pal Anna Nicole Smith handed her a bottle of water and gave words of congratulatory encouragement.

Meanwhile, Jaime was a mess. Jaime’s “second” this night was actress Brittany Daniel. After the fall ended Brittany had to go out to center ring and drag Jaime’s unconscious body back into the corner, and prop her up on the stool. She administered smelling salts to revive the battered blonde. A styptic pencil was applied to slow up the bleeding from a facial cut caused by that last mighty haymaker that Victoria had landed. Jaime’s body looked like (and to her felt like) it had just been run over by a Mack truck. But Jaime Pressly will not go down without a fight, and by the end of the break between falls, she had pulled herself together sufficiently that both Brittany and the ref thought that she could go ahead and make a go of it.

The referee reminded the two women that Victoria could only win her next fall by way of a submission, while either a submission or knockout would work for Jaime. The stools were removed, and the fighters stood up as the bell rang to begin the second round.

Jaime rushed toward her amazonian foe and did a baseball slide right between Victoria’s long legs. Jaime proceeded to leap into the ropes behind Victoria and slingshot herself back out towards center ring. Victoria turned around just in time to see the airborne, elongated body of Jaime headed straight toward her in the process of executing a flying dropkick to the Swede’s midriff. The big blonde looked like a helpless cargo ship skipper watching a U-boat’s torpedo coming directly toward her amidships. And like such a weapon of war, Jaime’s feet exploded onto Victoria’s belly, sending the “S.S. Silvstedt” rolling backward and sinking onto the mat. (This kind of “navel” attack can be devastating.)

After landing onto the mat with alacrity, Jaime rushed toward the supine Swede and jumped straight up and came down with both feet on that same tummy that had just been drop-kicked. Victoria shrieked as her body jackknifed in agonized reaction. After Jaime hopped off, Victoria’s hands instinctively went to her bruised abs. Jaime jumped onto Victoria straddling her and pinning the Swede’s forearms under her bikined ass. With Victoria’s arms out of the picture, Jaime swiftly landed a hard right-handed fist to Victoria’s pretty face, then followed with a left slamming hard into her jaw. The big blonde’s head was then rocked back and forth with punch after punch, alternating lefts and rights from the Carolina Hellcat. The crowd was going wild! Victoria was really getting her bell rung and would be knocked out if the barrage were to continue much longer.

Victoria with some effort managed to free her arms out from under Jaime’s ass, and immediately threw the tough blonde off of her. Victoria unsteadily rose to her feet, feeling her jaw for broken bones. Jaime meanwhile had not only gotten up off the mat but had climbed up to the top rope in the turnbuckle and as soon as Victoria stood up, Jaime leapt down and drove her body onto the statuesque Swede, splashing her back down to the mat. Jaime enjoyed that, and regained her perch atop the turnbuckle. This time when Victoria had gotten to her feet, Jaime dove down at her and nailed her with a flying clothesline that smashed Victoria down to the mat once more. Jaime figured third time was the charm, and climbed back up to deliver another big blow from above onto the staggering blonde.

Jaime waited a few seconds for Victoria to rise to her feet and turn to face her. Then the blonde hellcat dived down onto the playmate, but this time Victoria managed to actually catch Jaime in mid-air. Victoria stumbled back a few steps with Jaime in her arms, but remained standing, and once she stopped her backstepping, she lifted Jaime up and brought her back crashing down onto her outstretched knee. Jaime let out a shriek of pain.

Victoria did not release her foe. Instead she got back up from her kneeling position, and lifted Jaime onto her shoulders. Then, in an impressive show of strength, Victoria slowly gorilla pressed Jaime completely overhead, her arms fully extended. To show off her power and control, Victoria lowered Jaime’s body back down to shoulder level, then raised Jaime all the way back up, as though Victoria were doing a military press with a barbell.

Except Jaime was no inanimate barbell. And soon she sought escape by violently twisting and wriggling like a worm on a hook. Victoria lost her grip and Jaime slid down the big blonde’s back. When Jaime got down to the mat she was behind Victoria, and without missing a beat, Jaime wrapped her arms tightly around Victoria’s lower waist and threw herself backward suplexing Victoria’s neck and upper back hard onto the unyielding canvas below.

Jaime then jumped up and did a mid-air somersault and came down splashing her whole weight crosswise on Victoria’s body, once more jackknifing the amazon and causing her to expel all her breath. Jaime peeled herself off the stunned Swede, then stood up and reached down, pulling Victoria up by her long blonde hair. Then Jaime thrust an arm through Victoria’s legs and hooked her neck and with a grunt of effort hoisted the big woman up in the air for a bodyslam. The heavier Victoria seemed surprised at being held aloft by a bantamweight like Jaime. The Swedish playmate then felt the impact of a bone-jarring slam as Jaime completed the move, hurling her bigger foe to the mat. The crowd loudly cheered on their favorite.

Jaime once more dragged Victoria off the mat and grabbed the big blonde for a second body slam. But Victoria resisted Jaime’s move, and then reversed it, so instead it was Victoria lifting Jaime up and bodyslamming the smaller woman to the mat. Then she picked her up once more and bodyslammed her for the second time. Finally the blonde amazon picked up her smaller foe a third time and this time with a little run and jump POWERSLAMMED Jaime in the canvas so hard that it seemed as if structural damage was likely done to the mat’s underpinnings. The forceful series of slams had a crushing impact on Jaime – all she could do for the moment was lie on her back, staring at the Garden’s ceiling. She knew she had to regain her senses - but her body was unresponsive, incapable of arising from the mat at this time. Victoria smiled cruelly down, grabbed Jaime’s hair and pulled her head up off the mat and yanked it back, forcing Jaime to look upward into the big blonde’s eyes.

Victoria said in a purring, almost seductive, voice, “Why don’t you just submit to me now?”

Jaime defiantly croaked out her reply, “Fuck you!!”

Victoria smiled as though she was hoping for that answer and made eye contact with Anna Nicole and gave her friend a self-satisfied wink and the big playmate looked back down on Jaime and slowly shook her head.

“OK, you little white trash bitch!” said Victoria. “It’s time for you to be taught a lesson on what it means to take on someone bigger and better.”

Jaime looked up at the towering blonde and for the first time in her fighting career felt a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach – the feeling of abject fear. Victoria stepped behind the kneeling Jaime, grabbed both of Jaime’s wrists and yanked her arms back behind her. Victoria slammed her foot right between the shoulder blades of the smaller blonde. Then the big Swedish beauty pulled back on Jaime’s arms. Slowly but relentlessly, Victoria pulled Jaime’s arms back in the surfboard-type hold. Despite Jaime’s best efforts to disguise her pain, she began to let out a keening sound, a slowly building wail of agony. Victoria continued to pull back, sometimes relaxing the pressure slightly, then pulling back even harder on Jaime’s arms. It was more than a full minute of surfboarding – and to Jaime it seemed an eternity. Finally, Victoria released her handholds and Jaime’s destroyed arms fell back down to the mat.

The statuesque playmate reached down and grabbed Jaime by an ear, using it to tug Jaime painfully to a wobbly standing position, facing each other.

“You look like you could use a hug,” said Victoria as she slid her strong arms between Jaime’s limp arms and the smaller blonde’s slender waist, then clasped her hands together at the small of Jaime’s back.

Slowly, the Swedish Amazon began to squeeze. Even at less than Victoria’s full power, Jaime immediately began to panic from the crushing force she was experiencing. She wiggled and turned her body desperately seeking escape. But Jaime was unable to escape as the powerful playmate steadily increased the pressure on her helpless foe. By now, Victoria was holding Jaime up off the mat as she applied the massive pressure of the crushing bear hug. Jaime’s lean legs dangled below her, and the smaller blonde sought relief by bending way back in the hold. Soon Jaime’s struggles slowed as she fought to maintain consciousness. Then Victoria suddenly released the bear hug and Jaime crumpled to the mat. The “Viking Queen” had no reason to knock out Jaime, since only submissions counted this fall.

She hauled the hurtin’ Hellcat up off the mat, wrapped a meaty arm around Jaime’s head and bent her over. As Victoria walked about the ring holding Jaime in the headlock, she was greeted to boo’s and hisses from the pro-Jaime audience. Then Victoria ran a few steps forward, hopped up and brutally bulldogged Jaime’s skull onto the mat. The boo’s escalated in volume.

Victoria pulled Jaime back up off the mat, gently kissed the beaten blonde’s forehead, and then landed a mighty slap on Jaime’ cheek that sent the smaller girl stumbling to her side. Then Victoria back-handed her with another slap, sending Jaime reeling in the other direction. Then Victoria started slapping Jaime all over the ring until the younger blonde started to fall to the mat. The mean-spirited Swede arrested Jaime’s descent by hooking her left arm under Jaime’s right armpit to keep her standing, and then slammed a heavy right-handed punch into Jaime’s well-toned abs.

Victoria slammed a second punch. Then a third thudded into Jaime’s tenderized tummy. The only thing keeping Jaime up was Victoria’s left arm tucked under Jaime’s right armpit. Four…five…six… brutal punches by Victoria’s right fist plunge into the Jaime’s stomach weakening, then overwhelming her abdominal muscles which finally collapsed under the onslaught, leaving her defenseless. The crowd booed as Victoria continued to hammer away, pummeling the now-helpless blonde.

After more than a dozen punches, Victoria stepped back, allowing Jaime to fold over and collapse to the mat on her back -- still conscious, but barely – and weakly moaning. Jaime’s stomach was already discolored by the bruising pummeling. The shapely Playmate approached Jaime, grabbed her feet and tucked them under her arms, then stepped over as she turned around, rolling Jaime over onto her stomach. Victoria leaned back, trapping Jaime in your classic Boston Crab! As Victoria pulled back, she put every ounce of her 139 pounds into the effort.

Jaime valiantly held out longer than most would have thought, her supple back bending to an unnatural degree, until finally, with the referee looking right at her – hoping that Jaime would end her punishment - the “Carolina Hellcat” could take no more… “I…I sub…mit!” Jamie gasped. “Pl…please ref… I…submit!”

Victoria released the hold and Jaime’s legs fell back to the mat. The triumphant Viking Queen pressed a foot onto Jaime’s back for the victory pose as the referee held her arm aloft while Senator Clinton scrambles up the steps into the ring with her microphone. After pausing to give the sweating blonde a tight embrace and a kiss on the lips, Hillary states the obvious, “The winner of the second fall, by submission - and of the match two falls to none…moving on to the Championship Match…VICTORIA SILVSTEDT!”