2008 Bonaire Tournament by Mr. Chris

It’s me again, with the privilege of reporting on the second celebrity tournament I was able to attend at the Club Athena in Bonaire, Dutch Antilles.

The biggest difference for me, personally, is that rather than attending as if I was one of the wealthy guests, I was there as a temporary employee. I had to fly there and back at my own expense. I had no guest room at the resort but instead paid for my own room at a relatively inexpensive beach hotel in Kralendijk, and commuted to and from the Club Athena on a rented Vespa. The hotel provided a complimentary breakfast. The Club provided one meal a day (an evening supper), which was served in an employee cafeteria of sorts. The employee chow was not cordon bleu, but frankly wasn’t bad - offerings included a particularly tasty goat-meat stew, some kind of jerk-chicken dish, and something that reminded me of a shrimp etouffee I had on Bourbon Street once. I’d wash it down with an Amstel Light. Clearly a far cry from the amenities and dining I described in my previous report. But with the comp breakfast and dinner my food expenses turned out to be minimal. And besides, I wasn’t there for the food and drink.

My gig was working at the poolside bar. From there I had a good view of the permanent ring erected for the tournament matches.

This Tournament was larger than the last one. In addition to the 20 women in the last tournament, all of whom had returned, there were 8 more to bring the total to 28. The eight new additions were a cats and dogs mix which - in addition to the usual female celebs also included some older celebs and professional wrestling divas viewed more as entertainers than athletes.

I won’t bother listing the 20 returnees; you’ll see their names again soon enough in the match reports. The eight newcomers were younger celebs Erica Durance and Kristanna Loken; older celebs Talisa Soto and Gillian Anderson; and wrestling divas Candice Michelle, Carmella DeCesare, Torrie Wilson, and Trish Stratus. The divas were only invited after much debate within the Club’s Board of Governors for fear that they’d be too skilled and too strong for the regular celebs. In the end, it was determined there was insufficient evidence proving a clear superiority of divas over other celebrities and it was felt that the divas would add to the entertainment value - and set up the possibility of something exciting like, say, Trish Stratus succumbing to Katie Holmes.

Rule changes: In view of the controversy surrounding the final match of the previous tournament being decided by a disqualification, it was decided to do away with DQ falls altogether. A ref would be in the ring to prevent a woman from being murdered or maimed, but anything beyond that was OK. The format: 15 minute matches, whoever scores the most falls via pin or submission in that time frame wins, was retained.

I was a bit more clear-headed to report on this tournament’s matches because I had to keep reasonably sober to do my job. The poolside bar was under the managerial jurisdiction of Karen MacDougal, the manager of the resort’s main bar (“The Irish Whip”). Although Karen seemed like a decent enough human being, from what I’d seen and heard during the time I’d spent at the Club she didn’t sound like the sort of boss you’d want catching you screwing up. For one thing, she has a sufficiently intimidating physical presence to double as the chief bouncer at the bar, and for another, last time I was here I saw her ream out some of her poor-performing staff pretty good and fire them on the spot, tossing them bodily off the Club grounds. I figured it would be best to keep on her good side and that meant keeping out of trouble on the job.

Well, on to the action!

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The first morning’s action began with the leggy British beauty Catherine Zeta-Jones vs. Vida Guerra, who was looking more pulchritudinous than ever this day. Dammit! Why’d they have to start with Vida first thing? It’s like going to a gentleman’s club and the very first lapdancer you pay your $20 to turns out to be the most arousing girl in the place, and - as she rotates herself all over you - you feel like saying “Omigod, please, I planned to be here til 1 am and here you are doing this to me at 10. I want to see other girls and draw out the pleasure a little—you’re the type I want just before I’m fixin’ to leave! Now I’ve got to recite math tables in my head to keep a hold on myself.”

Right away in this first match I could see that there would be a more freewheeling atmosphere this tournament, since the ladies seemed much less concerned with referee judgments on what was or was not acceptable. For example, at one point when Catherine got the jump on Vida, she put her across her knee and had fellow Briton Rhona Mitra outside the ring toss her a long thick Borstal cane. Catherine in a haughty British accent declared that she was about to administer “six of the best” to the world-famous ass of Vida Guerra and that she did, bringing the reform-school cane down hard six times onto Vida’s derriere. To her credit, the tough Cuban did not whimper. Indeed, the humiliation seemed to have had a tremendously energizing affect on Vida, as she then came on stronger than ever. Apart from being sexy as all get out, Vida’s got decent strength and skill levels and even though she’s only five years younger than CZJ, she somehow seems much more youthful and athletic. She gained an advantage, recorded one pinfall, and then another, and when the match entered its final minutes Vida ended the matter in the only appropriate fashion: an ass-smother over Cat’s lovely face that resulted in a KO and sealed the win for the shapely Cubana.

* * * *

Next came Demi Moore vs Candice Michelle. Here we would get an early sense of whether the celebs could take the competition from the divas. This was a close match, but ultimately Demi pulled out the win 2-0, which perhaps wasn’t all that surprising given that in the last tournament the hard-bodied brunette finished in second place in the field of 20.

By the way, it occurs to me to mention that one somewhat odd aspect of my being at this tournament was that I was fairly certain that my mystery employer was also in attendance; but I didn’t seek him out, preferring that I not know who he (she?) was.

* * * *

Next up was one of the newcomers, Talisa Soto, vs. Kelly Monaco. Talisa is not so much seen in film these days. She’s probably around 39 years old, but still a knockout in the looks department. She’s an Amazon. She stands 5’10” and the program said she weighed 136 pounds but she seemed heavier than that to me. Curvaceous and sexy, don’t get me wrong, and the weight is in muscle not fat. A big woman. She was in the tournament largely on the strength of her portrayal of Kitana in the Mortal Kombat movie, and in fact entered the ring dressed like that character and was introduced as “The Ninja” (remember, real names are not used in this tournament.) This looked like a tremendous mismatch, what with Talisa outweighing Kelly by at least 40 pounds and standing seven inches taller. Each of Talisa’s thighs was the same circumference as Kelly’s waist! They really should consider weight classes in this thing. Well, Talisa did in fact win, but as always, Kelly was “a tough out.” She only lost 2 falls to none. And it didn’t seem like Talisa was holding back out of mercy. I normally prefer the Amazonian type woman, but little Kelly was impressing me more and more each outing.

* * * *

Next was another celeb-diva bout: Catherine Bell vs Carmella DeCesare. Actually, I’d categorize Carmella as part diva, part Playboy playmate. Despite Carmella’s experiences in the WWE, most of us expected Catherine - a good, experienced fighter who is 16 pounds heavier and two inches taller than Carmella - to win the match without too much difficulty. But in the event, Carmella did not go gently into that good night. Far from it. It was a close back and forth affair. About half-way through, Catherine scored a pinfall. Then, with about six or seven minutes left in the match, Carmella managed to maneuver Catherine into a camel clutch. Catherine resisted as long as she could - perhaps too long given that it’s a time-limit match and one fall doesn’t end it. Finally, with her backbone being destroyed by Carmella’s ruthless camel clutch, Catherine cried out “I give!” That tied up the match, but for Catherine it was all-downhill from there. Carmella’s devastating camel clutch had effectively ended the match. From that point on it was all Carmella as she scored pinfalls and submissions at will.

The problem with these 15-minute format matches, is that if “it’s not your day” you can’t just throw in the towel; you have to play out the entire 15 minutes no matter how badly you’re being beaten!

While we all knew Carmella had a mean-streak from the various reports of her catfights in bars and so forth, she turned out to be even more sadistic than I’d imagined. She sought nothing less than to totally crush and humiliate Catherine Bell. She’d knock her down to the mat with a single haymaker, then get a three count pin with a toe planted on Catherine’s chest. At one point she slammed Catherine back-first into the corner and stripped her bra-top off and proceeded to use Catherine’s big boobs as if they were a set of punching bags. When Catherine would collapse onto the mat from the punishment, Carmella would yell “get up!” and viciously kick her in the side and in the head until Catherine was forced to rise shakily to her feet, only to get knocked down again. Catherine is a fairly popular “good-girl” in these tournaments, and the sympathetic crowd fell into a shocked silence during the last 5 minutes of the bout as Carmella just massacred the bigger brunette. After what seemed like an eternity, the bell finally rang, mercifully bringing an end to the 15-minute match. Carmella ended up winning 5 falls to 1 - she could’ve probably made it 10 falls to 1 if she’d wanted to. She strutted about the ring celebrating her win but the audience just boo’d her loudly. And Catherine was carried out of the ring on a stretcher. What a shocker!

* * * *

Next up was Mariah Carey vs. Rhona Mitra. This match was never really in doubt as Mariah beat Rhona 2 falls to none. I’m surprised Rhona isn’t doing a little better in these tournaments.

* * * *

Then came Alyssa Milano vs. Torrie Wilson, one of the newly added Divas. I really wish Alyssa could show her stuff better in these matches, but here Torrie dominated the whole match, easily winning 4-0. After that, we broke for lunch.

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After the lunch break, big and tall Tyra Banks next took on the slender and sexy Jessica Alba. Big and tall won out as Tyra enjoyed a one-sided victory, 5 falls to none.

* * * *

I was interested in the next match which pitted Britney Spears vs. Diva Trish Stratus. These women in some ways had similar builds and appearances. Trish looked a little like Brit’s older, bigger sister- even though Britney actually outweighs Trish by 10 pounds. Well, Trish was bigger and stronger where it counted and what I’d hoped would be a close match actually turned out to be Trish winning with little trouble, 4 falls to none.

* * * *

Katie Holmes vs. Gillian Anderson was next up; the veteran actress Anderson dressed as - and going by the name of - Dana Scully. This was a good, close match. But the taller Katie edged out Gillian two falls to none.

* * * *

The opening matches continued with the busty blonde Jeri Ryan vs. Ukrainian-born Milla Jovovich. Milla looked good at times, but Jeri was too much for woman for Milla, wining 3 falls to none.

* * * *

Next up came one of my faves - blonde hellcat Jaime Pressly vs. Erica Durance - another of the 8 newcomers. This was a good match, but Jaime ended up winning 3 falls to none.

* * * *

The final match before we called it a day was a rematch from the first round of last year’s Tournament: Charlize Theron vs Nikki Cox. Last time, Nikki won; would the same thing happen this year? The outcome was in doubt until near the end. A close back and forth affair ended when Charlize got two quick pins in the closing minutes to win 2 to 0.

* * * *

With that the Tournament action ended for the day. When my shift ended I went over to the Club’s discothèque. I noticed that as usual some of the fem-celebs were hanging out there at the Club’s disco. Particularly enjoying herself was Carmella DeCesare who clearly had been imbibing much liquid refreshment and was loudly boasting of her mauling of Catherine Bell. Ms. Bell of course was not there, being obliged to spend the night in the infirmary to ensure that she was all right and free of injury.

It had been a long day, so after nursing a single snifter of armagnac for about a half-hour, I took the Vespa back to my place.

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The next day began with the red-hot chili pepper Vida Guerra taking on that mighty ageless wonder Demi Moore. I sure wanted Vida to win. I was getting tired of Demi beating up on everyone and taking some good women out of the tournament running. Well, it was a good close match but unfortunately Demi won a squeaker, one fall to none, and advanced to the next round in the winners bracket.

* * * *

Next came last tournament’s champion, Katherine Heigl vs. Talisa Soto. Heigl was one of four with a bye yesterday. Looking at the program, these women are supposed to be about the same size (Katherine 5’9”, Talisa 5’10”, both in the mid- to high-130s) but the raven-haired Talisa seemed a little bigger than the blonde champ - and a little stronger and meatier. Of course, most of us expected Katherine to win as she sought to continue her momentum after winning the previous tournament. Well, this sure turned into a shocker. Talisa not only LOOKED stronger, but WAS stronger than Katherine. She handled Katherine with ease, as if the blonde were a little child. Big and strong Talisa ended up crushing Katherine by a score of five falls to none. Shocked murmurs coursed through the audience as Katherine was carried out of the ring and Talisa celebrated her triumph. At some point later it occurred to me that little Kelly Monaco had done better than Katherine - at least Kelly the day before only lost two falls to none, as opposed to Katherine going down to defeat five falls to none. Maybe this Talisa Soto is too good to be in this tournament. We’ll see, I guess.

* * * *

Next up was Carmella DeCesare vs. Mariah Carey. Yesterday’s cocky dominator of Catherine Bell was going up against the formidable Carey who looked angry. Mariah liked Catherine Bell and they often gave each other boob-enhancing fashion tips so Mariah had sat simmering in the disco last night while Carmella obnoxiously crowed about beating up on the buxom brunette. Mariah was intent on cutting “the bitch” down to size. For her part, Carmella looked a little tired and dehydrated on this morning - most likely slightly hung-over from excessive partying the night before. It was not a favorable situation for Carmella—as was made clear when she got pounded into defeat by Mariah, 5 falls to none. I was curious to see whether Carmella would be at the disco that night.

Monica Bellucci now entered the fray taking on the newly incoming diva Torrie Wilson who had won a dominating 4-0 victory over Alyssa Milano the day before. Like Katherine Heigl, Belluci also had a bye during yesterday’s preliminaries. God, Monica is beautiful; I think I may be in love!. But I was worried that Torrie would be too much for her too handle. Well I needn’t have worried; Monica did a thorough job demonstrating the brawling power that has made her the most feared wrestler in Europe and cruised to a 3-0 win over the beautiful blonde diva.

* * * *

Let’s see here, who was next...oh yes, Tyra Banks vs. Trish Stratus. Both coming off easy wins; Tyra over Jess Alba and Trish over Britney. Who would win this one? It will be recalled that Tyra lost to Britney Spears in the last tournament. In this case a certain consistent logic played out, as Trish Stratus defeated Tyra even more soundly than Britney had the time before, out pinfalling the bigger woman 3 falls to none; mostly using her roundhouse kick to the head (she calls it her “chick-kick”) to set up the pinfalls. Trish is really athletic, and for a 5’4” woman to be able to land a foot onto the head of the 5’11” Banks says something for the height of Trish’s leg-kick. On at least one occasion I think Tyra was momentarily knocked unconscious by one of Trish’s mighty kicks.

* * * *

Another “bye”-stander from yesterday’s contests, Jessica Biel, now took on pretty Katie Holmes. Katie is an inch taller, but Jessica’s about 7 pounds heavier and three years younger. Jessica proved too strong for Katie, beating Mrs. Cruise two falls to none. At this point we had our mid-day meal break.

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Kicking off the afternoon action we had Jeri Ryan vs. Jaime Pressly. I was looking forward to this one because I had them meet in my fictional tournament write-up, Jaime winning three falls out of five. I couldn’t wait to see these two mean-spirited blondes go at each other for real Well, I have to tell you it turned out to be real disappointing. Jaime did end up winning one fall to none, but most of the match the two seemed to spend avoiding each other, stepping out of the ring, then back in, yelling at and taunting each other and the crowd, arguing with the ref. Not nearly enough action as far as I’m concerned. Maybe they conspired to do this on purpose so they’d be comparatively fresh and undamaged for their next matches; I wouldn’t put it past those two rascals. They were roundly boo’d throughout, and then boo’d again as they left the ring at the end.

* * * *

The next match was Charlize Theron vs. Kristanna Loken, another newcomer to this year’s tournament, Kristanna, at 5’11” was among the few women taller than Charlize in the tournament. Although normally a blonde, Kristanna decided to appear in the fearsome aspect of her “Bloodrayne” character, going by the ring name of “The Vampire” with her hair dyed red resembling dried blood. She wore the same costume as in that movie. Charlize, having been tipped off to Kristanna’s wardbrobe plans, decided to come dressed as Aeon Flux and had her hair dyed black and wore the black spandex suit she wore in that movie. So we had Bloodrayne vs. Aeon Flux! Cool! Charlize gave it her best, but Kristanna was too much for her. Kristanna had a combination of strength and agility that the South African superstar couldn’t match. Kristanna would lift Charlize impossibly high in the air as she executed some kind of back suplex sideslam maneuver which she’d finish by smashing Charlize violently to the unyielding mat. Kristanna also had the agility to perform a dropkick move from a standing position where both feet would smash into Charlize’s face practically knocking her out on the spot. Charlize kept it competitive for longer than I thought she would, but Kristanna ended up winning the match two falls to none.

* * * *

From this point on, most of the matches are in the Losers Bracket, which is where most of the action is going to inevitably be when you have a field as big as 28 in a double-elimination format.

First up in the Losers Bracket was Carmela DeCesare vs. Jessica Alba. Carmella had not yet fully recovered from being crushed by Mariah Carey earlier in the day. Jessica was fresh and energetic and karate-kicked and punched Carmella into defeat, winning by 2 pinfalls to none. Carmela was thus the first to be eliminated from the tournament. But no one would soon forget the brutal way she had handled Catherine Bell the day before.

* * * *

The next match pitted sexpot Vida Guerra against the equally sexy Candice Michelle. This was an even match between the two tan-complected beauties. Candice’s wrestling skill and conditioning and gritty determination to win made the difference as she bested the Cubana, knocking her out of the tournament.

* * * *

Next came the 5’8” 130-pound brunette Rhona Mitra vs. the 5’9” 133-pound blonde Torrie Wilson. They are a couple of big-boobed beauties: Rhona sporting her incredible 34-DD cup size knockers and Torrie with 36C’s. They turned out to be closely matched otherwise as well and their match ended in a tie after 15 minutes; knotted at 1-1. They had a rematch and Rhona actually came off as if she were physically stronger than the well-toned Torrie, beating the blonde 3 to none to advance as Torrie was eliminated from the tournament.

* * * *

The final match of the day was 95-pound Kelly “The Fighting Flyweight” Monaco vs. 120-pound Nikki “She of the Big Boobs” Cox. I tell you, I just can’t get over this Monaco chick! Not only did she defeat the bigger Nikki Cox, she dominated her. She was almost mockingly bullying Nikki at the end. Even though the final tally was only 2-0 for Kelly, the outcome of the match was never in doubt.

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After that match we broke for the day, to resume next morning. That night I was conscripted to work as bartender at a private reception and dinner for the annual meeting of an honorary society of Club Athena members: the Sons of Hippolyta. Most of these guys appeared to be between 70 and 80 years of age. The highlight of the evening was when they inducted one of their number into the society’s even more exclusive “Ordre de la Ceinture D’Or.” After that year’s honoree was announced, out into the room came Monica Bellucci dressed in a white toga like an ancient Greek Amazon, carrying some guy who looked like he was 90 years old in her arms. When she reached the center of the small stage set-up, she stood for a few moments (still effortlessly holding him like a baby in the cradle-carry) as the group gave her and the honoree a standing ovation. Then she gently lowered him to his feet. She was wearing a large, wide golden belt, the width of a wrestling or boxing championship belt, which looked like it was made of solid gold, and further gilded on top of that. She removed that belt, and pointed to his name inscribed on the belt, along with the names of the past honorees. She handed the belt off to the Society’s president, and then exited the room, waving goodbye to us. I found out later that each year they select a different participant in the celebrity wrestling tournament to play the role of the Amazon.

* * * *

For me one of the more interesting part of the evening was the cocktail hour when some old codger hung around having his drink by the portable bar I was working, regaling me with tales of past celebrity fight tournaments at the Club Athena over the years. Some of the stories he told about matches involving the likes of Kim Novak, Elke Sommer, Mitzi Gaynor and Ann-Margret were amazing. Particularly thrilling was his account of the Sharon Stone-Rebecca De Mornay match in 1985 which he claimed was the best he’d ever seen. I told him he should write down his recollections for posterity before it was too late.

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The next morning began with Milla Jovovich vs. Catherine Bell. This was Cat’s first match since she’d been beaten up by Carmela DeCesare. Milla made the most of the situation, at the start of the match getting right into Cat’s face and trash talking, mockingly telling Catherine that she’s all washed up and promising to knock her out of the tourney and to hammer her worse than Carmela had. Well, Catherine saw things differently and it was Milla heading home, going down to defeat 4 falls to 2. Looks like the Cat is back!

* * * *

Pretty Erica Durance was up next taking on chesty blonde Jeri Ryan. This was an interesting match. Jeri confidently took charge from the outset, battering the younger Erica about the ring and moving into a comfortable 2 falls to zero lead in the early going. But maybe Erica’s middle initial is “N” (so it’d be E.N.Durance) because she sure showed “endurance” in this match. To Jeri’s frustration, Erica kept coming on. The brunette then scored a fall of her own. Then a second fall to tie it up. Then it was Jeri’s endurance that appeared to collapse as Erica romped. She scored five more falls, seven consecutive altogether, to coast home with an easy 7-2 win. Jeri was out of the tournament!

* * * *

Britney Spears was next facing Gillian Anderson. Although the tough blonde did end up winning, 4 falls to one, the match was actually much closer than the score would’ve indicated, with Gillian continuing to be a handful for Britney right up to the end. Alas, no more Dana Scully this weekend.

* * * *

The next match pitted Charlize Theron vs. Katie Holmes. These two beauties were well-matched. They battled for 15 minutes and ended up in a 2-2 tie. So they fought a rematch. This time Katie bested the blonde Oscar-winner three falls to none.

* * * *

Katherine Heigl taking on Jessica Alba was next. This was a close, exciting match. Actually, closer than I thought it would be. I figured Katherine, winner of the first tournament I’d seen, would beat Jessica easily. Well Katherine DID win, 3 falls to none. But it was actually closer than that score might suggest. Jessica did well, but with the loss she exited the tournament field.

* * * *

Next on tap was that sexy wrestlerette Candice Michelle vs the tall, voluptuous supermodel/TV host Tyra Banks. Tyra showed that she can handle wrestlers just as well as she can handle other celebs and bested Candice 3 pinfalls to none. Then we broke for lunch.

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First up after lunch was an all-Britain match between Rhona Mitra and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Although these two infamous characters have sometimes worked together in the past, they each looked like they planned to go all-out against each other in this match. Well, Catherine did at least. She’s never looked so dominating in a match. She won 3 falls to none, but it could’ve been more lopsided than that. Cat really romped in the last five minutes of the match, pretty much doing whatever she wanted to Rhona preferring to humiliate rather than bothering to get another pin her or submission. Thus the Lara Croft lady was eliminated from the running.

* * * *

Next up was the delightful Kelly Monaco vs. Alyssa Milano. I was beginning to view Monaco as a formidable foe but she was taking on the tan and toned Milano; pound for pound possibly the physically strongest actress in the tournament. It was a good, close match. But Kelly always seemed just a step ahead of Alyssa, and eked out a 1-0 win.

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We now returned to the Winner’s Bracket and the first match was the always tough Demi Moore vs. formidable Talisa Soto. The two fought each other hard in a bitter struggle. Somewhat remarkably to me, the incredible Demi Moore appeared to be headed for yet another victory as she went into the closing seconds leading Talisa one pinfall to none. But the tall Latina beauty managed to tie it up by getting a pinfall right at the end of the 15-minute period. The match ended in a 1-1 tie. After a 30 minute break, they fought a rematch. Again they went after each other hard, but Talisa was able to finally batter down Demi and edged her 2 falls to 1 to advance to the next round.

* * * *

Mariah Carey vs Monica Bellucci was the next match; two big, robust beauties. Turns out they were very closely matched. They fought it out and they ended up tied 0-0 when the 15 minutes ended - neither could score a fall against the other. They fought the rematch. This one was also a close, back and forth affair, but Monica managed to score a pinfall and hang on to win, 1 fall to none, to advance in the bracket.

* * * *

Next up was Trish Stratus vs. Jessica Biel. This promised to be good and it was. Jessica started out strong and got Trish in trouble early. Before long Jessica was ahead 5 falls to none. But the gritty Trish battled back. Seeming to have more stamina than Jessica, Trish scored one pinfall, then another. With the score now 5-2 Trish was coming on strong and threatening to pin Jessica again but the match ended and Jessica had held on to the 5-2 victory to advance in the tournament.

* * * *

The last match before dinner was Jaime Pressly vs Kristanna Loken. Jaime wore faded, fashionably torn bluejeans and a white halter top that showed off her six-pack abs. Kristanna once again was in her Bloodrayne outfit. Kristanna was clearly a much bigger girl than Jaime. But much to my surprise, Jaime blasted out of the starting gate and really took it to Kristanna. Nailing a variety of aerial moves, Jaime got off to a 3 falls to none lead. I sensed an upset coming. Naturally I was strongly hoping that the blonde “Carolina Hellcat” would defeat her Amazonian foe. But I’ll give Kristanna credit for guts, she battled back and got one fall, then another, and finally a third to tie it up, and that’s how the match ended - knotted 3-3. So for the third time this afternoon we had a rematch. In the rematch, Kristanna’s superior size wore down Jaime. Kristanna - half-a-foot taller than Jaime and nearly 30 pounds heavier, and nearly equally as fit and toned - simply overpowered Jaime and ended up winning 4 falls to 1.

At this point we broke for dinner and afterwards, I joined three other guys in a charter motorboat for the 20 mile trip to Curacao where we attended a well-known gentlemen’s club. Even though I was told prostitution is legal there, I just confined myself to partaking of the topless dancing scene. I saw a girl who looked an awful lot like Vida Guerra spinning around one of the glistening silver poles - there goes my imagination getting the better of me again.

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The morning began with more action in the Losers’ Bracket. First up was a “Katherine vs Catherine” (Heigl vs Bell) two big-breasted girls squared off for what should’ve been a better battle than it was. As it turned out, Cat Bell cleaned Heigl’s clock, winning 7 falls to 1. Heigl - the previous tournament’s champion - was eliminated. Bell simply got the jump on Heigl early on, and relied heavily on her fists to batter the blonde senseless and weaken her into seven pinfalls and submissions.

* * * *

Next came Tyra Banks vs. Erica Durance. The big and strong supermodel and daytime TV hostess outweighed Erica by about 25 pounds and she was simply too much for the younger woman. She won 5 falls to 1. The glamorously curvaceous Tyra got two submissions by way of crushing bear hugs, and also showed off her power with an overhead gorilla press of her victim. Erica Durance was eliminated.

* * * *

As Tyra left the ring triumphantly, the contestants arrived for Catherine Zeta-Jones vs. Britney Spears. After two fairly one-sided matches that morning, this match was different. In fact, it turned out to be the best of the day. Catherine and Britney were evenly matched, both weighed in at 135 pounds, and they each looked strong, fit and ready to rumble. They battled hard against each other this day, using wrestling moves, boxing moves, catfight moves, whatever might work. The action went back and forth, but neither could score a pinfall against the other. As time wound down, it was tied zero to zero in falls. With only a few minutes left, the two tired wrestlers locked up in a collar and elbow. Britney powered Catherine into a ring corner, then grabbed the Welshwoman around the waist hoisted her up and slammed her upper spine into the turnbuckle. Taking advantage of her momentarily stunned and breathless opponent, Britney unleashed a series of savage punches into the midriff of Catherine. The blonde’s fistic battering seemed to go on forever. Finally, Catherine tearfully collapsed under the onslaught and Spears pinned her with just seconds left on the clock, winning 1 fall to none.

The spitfire Kelly Monaco went up against Katie Holmes and Katie was too much woman for Kelly, winning 3 to 0. It was a sad farewell to the feisty little Kelly. I do hope she competes in future tournaments here.

* * * *

Back to the winner’s bracket for the next matches, which featured two big, strong, dark-haired beauties: Talisa Soto vs Monica Bellucci. I hoped that Monica would do better, but Talisa’s combination of strength and martial arts know-how just took too much out of the voluptuous Italian, and Soto cruised to a 4-0 win.

* * * *

The next match had me licking my chops in anticipation. Two strong and fit fighters going at it: Jessica Biel vs Kristanna Loken. The result was a shocker and it wasn’t even close! Kristanna literally took Jessica apart. It was just brutal. Loken massacred Biel 6 to 0! I don’t know how it could’ve happened, maybe it’s just that size does matter!? Whatever the reason,, Loken had her way with the smaller Biel.

At that point we broke for lunch.

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The afternoon action resumed in the Loser’s Bracket and first up was Catherine Bell vs. Mariah Carey. Maybe Mariah ate too much for lunch because she looked listless and Cat easily defeated her friend 8 to nothing. Cat Bell is making quite a comeback since her humiliation by Carmella deCesare; winning her third in a row after losing the first round match.

* * * *

Sometimes in a double elimination tournament, two contestants who had met in the winner’s bracket end up facing each other again in the loser’s bracket. Such was the case today as Tyra Banks had to face Trish Stratus again. It will be recalled that in the first round Trish defeated Tyra 3 falls to none. Well, I guess Trish must now officially “own” Tyra Banks, since the tall model lost to the wrestling diva again, this time two falls to none.

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I was looking forward to the next match, Demi Moore vs. Britney Spears. While greatly separated in age (Demi 19 years her senior), in size they’re roughly equal, both 5’5” and tipping the scales in the 130-135 range. Both are exceptionally strong and fit too and both can be nasty!! This was a great, rip-roaring match, but Demi proved too mean, too strong and too experienced for young Britney and ended up winning a 2 falls to none decision.

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Next up was Katie Holmes vs. Jaime Pressly. In this match, Holmes won new respect from me. Jaime continually kept trying to land leg kicks on to the face or body of the taller brunette, but Holmes was able to adeptly dodge all of them, and counter with her own wrestling maneuvers. Katie ended up winning the match 4 falls to 1 and the Carolina Hellcat was out of the tourney.

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The last match on Saturday was the final of the winner’s bracket. It featured the two dominating stars of winner’s bracket action, the undefeated Talisa Soto vs undefeated Kristanna Loken. “Kitana the Ninja” vs. “Bloodrayne”. Both are big, strong, athletic women. But Loken had more youthful energy and won a close match. At this point I had started drinking and I’m afraid I failed to record the final score in pinfalls. In any event, Kristanna would now wait to meet the winner of the loser’s bracket.

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That night I must have drunk more than half a bottle of Patron Silver, and it caused me to feel wonderfully happy. Had I drunk an equivalent amount of alcohol in beer, wine, or any other spirit, I would have been violently ill by the next morning, but such is the miracle of the distilled 100% Blue Agave - the Elixir of Life - that next morning I was not only free of a hangover, but I actually woke up refreshed.

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Well, we now enter the final day of the Tournament with eight fighters left. One is Kristanna Loken, who has already won the winner’s bracket and is waiting to see who emerges from the loser’s bracket. The other seven, all contending in the loser’s bracket, are: Trish Stratus, Catherine Bell, Demi Moore, Katie Holmes, Jessica Biel, Monica Bellucci and Talisa Soto.

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First up was wrestlerette Trish Stratus vs. tall and busty Catherine Bell, who has been on a roll. Trish got the jump on Catherine early, and ended up dominating her in an 8 falls to zero romp. Trish weakened ‘The Big Cat’ with a series of “chick-kicks” and then got her in a couple of tight submission holds. After that, age began to take a toll and Bell faded fast.

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Next up was Demi Moore vs. Katie Holmes. Frankly, I was surprised that Katie Holmes had lasted this long in the tournament. Well, Demi ended her dreams but it took some effort, as Demi only beat her by a 4-3 pinfall score. Katie Holmes did herself proud in this tournament, if you ask me. Meanwhile Demi had her eyes on winning the tournament after last time’s second place finish.

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One of the best matches of the whole tournament came next, Trish Stratus vs. Jessica Biel who roared out of the gate with a dominating strength that surprised the veteran diva. Before long, Biel had a two pins to none lead on Trish. But Trish came back and scored a pinfall to be behind by only one. Jessica kept up the pressure and scored another pinfall to go up 3 falls to 1. But Trish - with her chick-kicks and abdominal stretch submissions - came back two score to successive falls and tied up the match 3 falls each. As the 15-minute timer-clock ticked down, the two went at it hammer and tongs, and in the closing seconds Trish Stratus got a three-count pin on Biel, who kicked out just after the third count. Trish wins 4 falls to 3 and Biel is out.

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The next match pitted the big Italian Monica Bellucci vs. tough Demi Moore. Demi tried to intimidate Monica in a pre-fight stare-down and Monica just laughed at her. Demi tried some of her usual wrestling moves against Monica but Monica was too big and strong to toss around. Monica ended up winning without a whole lot of difficulty, 3 falls to none, and as she did so she openly mocked Demi Moore as being overrated. At the end the Italian snuffed her out with a crushing bearhug that knocked Demi out cold. We broke for lunch with only four fighters left in the running: Monica, Trish, Talisa and Kristanna.

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First up was Monica Bellucci vs. Stratus. Trish was confident she could bring down the mighty Monica, but the Italian goddess was equally confident. The two went at it hard, but Trish found she just couldn’t bring her weapons to bear against the bigger woman. Once Trish tried to kick Monica but Monica was able to grab her leg and practically twist it off Trish’s torso. Monica showed herself to be the stronger and was tossing Stratus all over the ring like a ragdoll. Monica ended up winning 3 falls to none.

No rest for the weary as - after an hour-long rest interval - Monica had to face formidable Talisa Soto who had previously beaten Monica 4 falls to none in the winner’s bracket, so we all figured her to be the favorite to do so once again. This was a great match. The two sultry brunettes really battled. Finally, right at the end, a heavily perspiring Monica - her lungs heaving from exertion - overpowered Talisa and held her shoulders to the mat for the three count and a 1 pinfall to 0 win.

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Thus we were set for the final: the winner of the Winner’s Bracket, Kristanna Loken vs. Monica Bellucci, who prevailed in the loser’s bracket. To win the whole tournament, Monica had to beat Loken twice (it’s double-elimination). Two losses would knock Kristanna out but she only needed to beat Monica once to win it all.

Loken in this tournament had defeated Charlize Theron, Jaime Pressly, Jessica Biel, and Talisa Soto. Monica had beaten Torrie Wilson, Mariah Carey, Demi Moore, Trish Stratus, and Talisa Soto.

The two lovelies were given special introductions. The dark-haired Monica Bellucci is introduced as standing 5’10” tall, weighing 145 pounds, and measuring 35C-23-35. The normally blonde Kristanna Loken has dark red “Bloodrayne” hair, and is introduced as standing 5’11” tall, weighing 146 pounds, and measuring 34B-22-30. Fairly equally matched, the main difference was age with Monica 11 years Loken’s senior...of course, that means 11 years more fighting experience too.

The final match starts and the two Amazons crash into each other and begin their trying to overpower each other. It’s close, back and forth action. Slowly but surely, Monica begins to take charge. She seems slightly stronger than Kristanna and manages to secure technical wrestling holds that result in her getting the first fall of the match. She continues to maintain a slight advantage and gets two more falls and to the delight of all of her fans (including me) ends up beating Kristanna 3 falls to none. But it has not been easy for Monica, as she appears completely exhausted from her efforts. Still, it was a great victory for her.

All Monica has to do now is beat Kristanna one more time. The two fighters are given a one-hour rest break. Then they meet again in the ring for what will be the final match. Well, sad to say sports fans: I wish I could have this end with a climactic up-note and Monica victory, or at least a close match, but I’m forced to report what actually happened. After all, this isn’t like one of my fictional write-ups where I can make it turn out however I please. I have to tell it like it went down.

The previous match must have taken too much out of the older woman, because Monica just never hit her stride in the final. Kristanna had too many reserves of youthful energy and strength and really took it to Monica, body slamming and power-bombing the Italian into oblivion. Kristanna ended up cruising to an easy 8 to 1 fall win. And with this victory, she won the entire tournament. But hey, I like Kristanna, too. I just like Monica a little better.

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Well, that pretty much wraps it up. Before I left Bonaire to head back home I heard that future tournaments are going to be by weight class, basically two simultaneous tournaments, one for the lighter contenders, and one for heavier; then the winners of the two different tournaments meet to decide an overall winner. This will probably result in a fairer outcome since small fighters won’t be ground down having to face a succession of bigger, heavier opponents, but could well prove controversial if a “95 pound weakling” pulls an upset and defeats a much bigger woman which might well call in to question the legitimacy of the result. But time will tell!